So far, not so good

It seems that taking the end of term off of university to recover from this episode means taking an awful lot longer than I really need at all. This is really rather disheartening.

I’m already 3 years behind my peers. I took an extra year to get through college, and then due to needing surgery for my spine, another 2 years (thanks to MH issues, waiting lists and post-op restrictions).

I am beginning to feel I will be in education for well over 30 years of my life. I just hope I can afford it. Even more than that, I hope I can cope with it. I really want to work as a clinical psychologist, ideally with young people. To do that though, I have to do well at this degree, and then a doctorate. So far, not so good.

So.. right now I feel like

I can’t cope with studying

I’m damn near unemployable 

I can’t sustain meaningful relationships

I generally can’t cope as an adult. 

I know I have the brains for studying. It’s just the lack of stability – which is really not helped by the student lifestyle. One nasty bout of temporary illness and it can have an effect for weeks afterwards, or just add a few more missed lectures. Or take  the one week you might have been able to really put effort into work rather than just ‘getting it done’. One late night out. One night of noise in halls. One bad night with low self esteem leaving it hard to work to a deadline.

One of the most annoying things is the complete lack of option to study part time on this course. I love it here. I love Cardiff. I love the course. I want the placement year. So.. I have to study full time or not at all.

And now I’m taking one out of two breaks I can take, because of one episode, which happened because it is never useful when coughing fits, exhaustion, blocked nose and headaches co-incide with running out of meds. When you have no repeat prescription. And your GP is backlogged with appointments – and you’d have to trek to a pharmacy afterwards as well. When going to the CMHT means maybe waiting hours just for meds. This is ridiculous.. but right now, studying is not something I can do.

As for relationships, I don’t even know what I feel. All I know is I have no interest in feeling like I am being seen as the crazy one who’s opinions don’t need listening to. It’s hard to feel any relationship can work. Maybe one day.

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2 thoughts on “So far, not so good

  1. I know this is hard from where you are sitting right now, and it may sound like a bit of psychobabble, especially to someone who is studying the subject, but take a look a this post. Count the number of negative statements and then count the number of positive ones. I found one positive and lost track of the negatives. If you do nothing more than force yourself to counter every negative thought with a positive counter point, you will get more balance. You know that there are positives in your life. The negatives just like to scream louder. Force yourself to give the positives a voice.

  2. Hi. I like your blog. I’m impressed by your honesty about your mental health. It took me more than a decade to face up to mine and get help – and then another 5 years to find something that works. I still have ups and downs. Sometimes really bad downs. I really associate with some of the claims you made in this post about not being able to cope as an adult and the difficulties in sustaining relationships. For me, a combination of Sertrilene and CBT have, for the most part, given me my life back. But it’s been a long journey. I hope you get there too. I’ll be following your blog with interest.

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