A mildly worrying pattern

2004 – unwell

2005 – mildly better, but not great

2006 – about as ok as I get

2007 – getting ill again

2008 – as ill as I’ve ever been

2009 – slowly recovering

2010 – again, basically ok

2011 – getting ill again

2012 – constant cycling, at least one incapacitating low, more than one high already.

This has been a vague idea floating around in my mind for a while now, but I only just wrote it down tonight. Upon doing so, I think the only words might just be ‘ah. shit.’.

It’s imperative I find the right medication cocktail, and soon. The only problem is that I’m at home now for the next three weeks, and may or may not be back in Cardiff after that. Then there’ll be another stretch at home, and then back in Cardiff. Coordinating appointments around that is not easy, especially not when side effects become just unbearable whilst at home (i.e. right now, with the nausea that lithium causes).

One might argue I should never have gone to a uni so far from home. I could have studied psychology almost anywhere. Should I have to give up on the course and location I actually want just because of illness though? Would that even do me any good, knowing I wasn’t where I really wanted to be?

It’s a little easier this time around. It’s amazing the sheer difference simply knowing ‘this is the bipolar, it does this’ makes. For that reason, I will never disagree with the idea of diagnosis (though, it’s hardly unflawed). I know a little better what helps, that it passes, that other people have the same thing, and simply why today getting out of bed is just not going to happen.

At the same time, this time around, it’s a better knowledge of how it can/will likely pan out. Months of cycling, getting increasingly worse. Potentially making studying impossible. If I’m up, I can make myself feel I will get through it. Obviously, when down, it’s quite the opposite.

I can only hope I am very wrong, and prepare to not to be.



3 thoughts on “A mildly worrying pattern

  1. I do not have a lot of experience with what you experience, but I do know a bit about the depression side. You may not have the ability to prevent the depression, but knowing what it is, gives you some ability to fight it. It is hard, but don’t give in to it. Force yourself to keep going, because you know that to good feelings are coming back and you want to be able to enjoy them more. You can do this, there are people who believe in you.

  2. I have to work at my mental health too. I do what I can do and amaze myself (probably not others!) with what that is (even if it’s putting away the grocery shopping). I am significant, and the contribution I make to life is significant. That’s true of you too 🙂

  3. Sometimes it’s nice to know you’re the textbook case of bipolar, though, right? It helps me. And knowing the depression will lift and you’ll feel good again…I used to think of it as the happiness that won’t last, but I HAVE to think of it the other way around.

    Keep up the fight. Get into some CBT or DBT. Be mindful of the beauty around you, in your fingers, in your writing, in your every breath. You’re living your dream – never forget that.

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