A few thoughts

This diagram basically sums up studying for me, especially over the last term. It’s never good when trying to finish some coursework just feeds into an already dangerously low mood. If you stop, there’s all the guilt of giving up, but the more you try to work, the worse you feel for not being able to write anything of any worth.

My course has the handy situation of requesting a piece of coursework practically every single week- and this is only first year! Next year that’s only going to get a lot worse. It’s hard not to burn up with jealousy at the philosophy student with an essay every so often sometimes.

The only stage I can see the break the cycle, personally, is between missing work and stressing out. No one ever likes that I do this, but after a certain point, I just prioritise my health, and I refuse to feel guilty for making this decision.

Thankfully, after doing that last term, things have been arranged that my exams are in August. This means I have a lot of self teaching to do, but I’m finding actually I hugely prefer being able to work on what I want, when I want, just me, some paper, a textbook, a laptop for journal articles and some music.

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I told a couple more people about identifying outside of the gender binary recently. Both conversations were pretty awesome.

The first was with a guy whose attitude is if that’s how you identify, that’s cool. If you prefer a gender neutral name, then that’s what I’ll do. So much love ❤

The second was with a person who identifies basically the same way I do: a mix of both. That was pretty unexpected, but it was damn good to talk to someone who totally gets it. That there’s such a difference between ‘butch female’ or ‘femme-y trans-guy’ or ‘effeminate male’ or whatever and feeling androgynous, even if you can’t explain why that is.

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I am really not sure how I am meant to fix my own sleeping pattern. It’d be very much appreciated if any doctor had any idea what the hell to do, or allow me to see a specialist in sleep so we can work out why I wake up the later it gets and feel tired in the morning.

All I know is that going to bed earlier does not mean sleeping earlier and staying up all night  and day results in 40 hours awake and a massive sleep where I wake up late afternoon/early evening.

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3 thoughts on “A few thoughts

  1. Why do you think your work is not worth anything? Can you find anything good in it?

    Androgynous is a label I play with sometimes, I am not sure it fits me. The only label that fits me is me. And- if other people accept whatever label, they will accept the whole person.

    • It’s a lot easier to see good things in it now I’m not nearly as ill. I would be fairly surprised if I did manage to write something halfway decent when extremely depressed.

      It seems to be the best fit I have found so far, apart from of course, me. It’s nice to have a name for it all though.

  2. Work-wise, Christ, do I know the feeling. For that one, you have my deepest sympathies. I’m also someone that works best alone and in my own way; it’s such a shame that individual learning styles can’t easily be accepted or indeed encouraged in the typical university setting, at least where I am they can’t, anyway. Never feel guilty for prioritising your health 🙂

    And huge congrats for the excellent conversations! People can be great sometimes, and you deserve to have good responses to your honesty.

    -JC

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